Random advice from a colleague-physician of my SO.
"Just remember. C= MD. That's something I wish someone had told ME while I was in medical school," he'd said.
Never left my mind since.
Today I've come to realization that I've been setting myself up for failure by expecting a complete turnaround in my attitude after that year off I took. You simply cannot expect to go from a 4.0-GPA, cried-when-I-got-that-A-minus-in-that-one-credit-physics II-lab-sophomore-year-of -college-even-though-it-didn't-change-my-GPA-an-ounce.... to someone who doesn't flinch when she gets asked by a professor to meet to discuss her recent Pulmonary grade of 64.44.
Shrugging your shoulders and telling everyone you don't give a shit doesn't change that gnawing feeling in your gut when you realize your score, or the socked-in-the-stomach feeling when you get e-mailed about scheduling a meeting regarding your "unsatisfactory performance." However, the changes such as apathy going into an exam situation, choosing to do pleasurable activities during a time when everyone else is studying like a MoFo, IS a change and needs to be acknowledged as well.
It's real. It isn't a phase. I really have lost any desire to be a perfectionist or get straight A's in medical school in the PRACTICAL sense - i.e. it doesn't suit my personality or life goals anymore. However, that's is not what is significanly decreasing my quality of life or those of the people around me. It's the fact that as a PERSON, I STILL am that perfectionist who WANTS to perfect and get straight As... more for the sake getting them because she can rather than because of the purpose they serve.
<<< Written last evening before heading out to dinner with SO. Did not end up getting any studying done afterwards, and on the contrary, another fight ensued and neither of us went to bed before 2am. Met with professor today who asked no questions about the situation and instead, just went over the exam, after which I realized I simply goofed because I underestimated my own knowledge.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
What does my woman want...
The age-old saga of men trying to figure women out continues... and not only am I one of those men who cannot figure out women (despite being one myself... I a) cannot for the life of me understand why women can be so irrational and b) cannot figure out why I MYSELF am so irrational and complicated at times! Ugh!
But even worse... not only can I not figure women out, but my professional school has driven me crazy to the point where I want to just scream, "JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! DO YOU WANT MY SOUL? TAKE IT! DO YOU WANT MY SANITY? IT'S YOURS! WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT? MY FAMILY? FRIENDS? YOU TOOK MOST OF THOSE ALREADY TOO!"
I know the above sounds depressing, but I think that sorta is what it is: depressing. I'm going nuts, playing the game, trying not to care.. but you know what, when you get a letter notifying you you've failed and need to meet with the module coordinator, you feel like crap... because a) you failed with a 64.44 (literally), and b) you DIDN'T fail after they curved the damn test, but the professor still wants to meet with you!
Don't take me the wrong way... I think these professors rock and I really appreciate that they're taking the time out to try and help... but how shitty does that make you feel?
Gone are the days I used to care... I let MY woman (med school) just be and ignore her assaults on my mind, my soul, and the ripping apart of my self-confidence.... after all, what can I do at this point? Lament my fate? My decision to "spend the rest of my life" with her?
Alas... because I AM a woman... it DOES bother me... even when it shouldn't... and so instead of the normal man who would take it with a shrug and move on with his life, I take it as a blow to my heart, which I still have pieces of left...
.. and i have no clue why.
But even worse... not only can I not figure women out, but my professional school has driven me crazy to the point where I want to just scream, "JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! DO YOU WANT MY SOUL? TAKE IT! DO YOU WANT MY SANITY? IT'S YOURS! WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT? MY FAMILY? FRIENDS? YOU TOOK MOST OF THOSE ALREADY TOO!"
I know the above sounds depressing, but I think that sorta is what it is: depressing. I'm going nuts, playing the game, trying not to care.. but you know what, when you get a letter notifying you you've failed and need to meet with the module coordinator, you feel like crap... because a) you failed with a 64.44 (literally), and b) you DIDN'T fail after they curved the damn test, but the professor still wants to meet with you!
Don't take me the wrong way... I think these professors rock and I really appreciate that they're taking the time out to try and help... but how shitty does that make you feel?
Gone are the days I used to care... I let MY woman (med school) just be and ignore her assaults on my mind, my soul, and the ripping apart of my self-confidence.... after all, what can I do at this point? Lament my fate? My decision to "spend the rest of my life" with her?
Alas... because I AM a woman... it DOES bother me... even when it shouldn't... and so instead of the normal man who would take it with a shrug and move on with his life, I take it as a blow to my heart, which I still have pieces of left...
.. and i have no clue why.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Blurb change..
I started this blog with the intention of recording all the amazing things that I get to do as a medical student (after coming from from doing a bunch of amazing things)... however, the # of amazing things after that never quite amounted to blog-worthy, and thus I just went with what was actually going on behind the grueling experience that is my career path... Just for purposes, here's the original blurb... and maybe 3rd year, I can use it again.
One day, I came home from my preceptor's office having just performed surgery on a 7-day old infant with an extra digit, taken out sutures from a young woman's back while draining the abscess, convinced a patient who had been smoking for 20 years to quit, and thought, "wow... this is pretty awesome."
After a year and half of medical school, there are things about medical school that strike me as wonderful, and things that make me wish I'd never chosen this career...
Wake Up, Brush Teeth, Be Happy ... Crack Open a Book and Learn!
So that my previous post lasted me about a day... granted it was a good day and had I not "affirmed" that I would happy, it would have been a mega-crappy day... then again, you can't blame me for scoring low on the happy scale right before an exam (which happens to be tomorrow). I mean, at the rate my studying is progressing, I think a more important affirmation is, "I shall not panic! I can always flip burgers!." And I'm not panicking... really.
I've been meaning to hit up the library all semester, and even through the depths of hell during Cardio, I never quite made it... yesterday, I finally did, and with three classmates as well... and that's when I realized how much of that "peer support" I'd been missing out on... studying with your peers really brings with it a new level of confidence, security in your study plan, and the much-needed moral support and drive to keep going when it's been 16 hours and you still need to keep going.
I worry sometimes that my social skills have died since college, and exhuming them may not do any good as I'm in a whole new context with a whole new set of people who respond to different stimuli than normal people (hey, it's true). You may think you do not need social skills to study, but you sure as hell do if you need to make friends with study buddies and use their knowledge to your advantage.
The biggest problem, by the way, with studying in a quiet place with only your notes to distract you is that you get hungry... a LOT. Despite more caffeine in a day than I consume in a week, my "appetite" was huge... despite the fact that I was sitting on my ass all day! Between a container-full of Indian food, a mexican pizza from Taco Bell, Starbucks Oatmeal, a friend's endless supply of salted cashews, and a Cliff bar, I was convinced my body was trying to store fuel away for that I time I head to Cambodia to find a job after I flunk med school (or my exam tomorrow - same thing).
Anyway, my conclusion from yesterday is this: I think "happy" affirmations are the cheesiest things I've ever written up (publicly anyway), but they work! Thus, I think I need daily reminding of yet another fact (and please do note that these are indeed facts - affirmations, as least by my definition [ha! I've reached the age where I can create my own definition of pre-existing terms!] must be reminders of things that actually exist, and thus you cannot affirm something that are not)...
I LIKE TO STUDY!
No seriously... when did studying become a punishment? It's so simple, yet the whole world makes you think they're out there having all the fun and here you are, holed up in a library, reading your life away. Well, in HS, sure, maybe it wasn't the best because I was FORCED to be there, but I CHOSE to go to grad school, didn't I? No one forced me to be doing this... and for crying out loud, screw everyone else, I'm learning about my own body! ! The very stuff that makes me, ME! Okay so maybe I don't have interstitial pneumonia, but you get my gist.
I like learning... it keeps my brain active and aside from the lack of bodily movement involved in studying (which blows in terms of keeping the butt-size down), it's kinda fun... yeah some topics are boring sometimes, but honestly... and no one ever really admits to this, most things are only boring when they're a) repetitive, or b) you do not understand them. Think of all the classes you took in college where the topic initially sucked but you enjoyed cuz you loved the professor (i.e. he taught you a lot).
I think the library, or my new idea of bringing earplugs to louder areas, is going to be my new haven from now on... an escape from everyone, including family, friends, and SO... just me, my work, and my grad school peers. I strong believe, especially after this weekend, that distancing yourself and your work from your loved ones keeps their lives and yours more sane. I don't mean a complete divide, but definitely a wall that should not be crossed very often. However, more on that later... I need to get back to studying and this time, not as a punishment, but rather as an opportunity to learn that few get in this world... especially at the level I'm at...
I've been meaning to hit up the library all semester, and even through the depths of hell during Cardio, I never quite made it... yesterday, I finally did, and with three classmates as well... and that's when I realized how much of that "peer support" I'd been missing out on... studying with your peers really brings with it a new level of confidence, security in your study plan, and the much-needed moral support and drive to keep going when it's been 16 hours and you still need to keep going.
I worry sometimes that my social skills have died since college, and exhuming them may not do any good as I'm in a whole new context with a whole new set of people who respond to different stimuli than normal people (hey, it's true). You may think you do not need social skills to study, but you sure as hell do if you need to make friends with study buddies and use their knowledge to your advantage.
The biggest problem, by the way, with studying in a quiet place with only your notes to distract you is that you get hungry... a LOT. Despite more caffeine in a day than I consume in a week, my "appetite" was huge... despite the fact that I was sitting on my ass all day! Between a container-full of Indian food, a mexican pizza from Taco Bell, Starbucks Oatmeal, a friend's endless supply of salted cashews, and a Cliff bar, I was convinced my body was trying to store fuel away for that I time I head to Cambodia to find a job after I flunk med school (or my exam tomorrow - same thing).
Anyway, my conclusion from yesterday is this: I think "happy" affirmations are the cheesiest things I've ever written up (publicly anyway), but they work! Thus, I think I need daily reminding of yet another fact (and please do note that these are indeed facts - affirmations, as least by my definition [ha! I've reached the age where I can create my own definition of pre-existing terms!] must be reminders of things that actually exist, and thus you cannot affirm something that are not)...
I LIKE TO STUDY!
No seriously... when did studying become a punishment? It's so simple, yet the whole world makes you think they're out there having all the fun and here you are, holed up in a library, reading your life away. Well, in HS, sure, maybe it wasn't the best because I was FORCED to be there, but I CHOSE to go to grad school, didn't I? No one forced me to be doing this... and for crying out loud, screw everyone else, I'm learning about my own body! ! The very stuff that makes me, ME! Okay so maybe I don't have interstitial pneumonia, but you get my gist.
I like learning... it keeps my brain active and aside from the lack of bodily movement involved in studying (which blows in terms of keeping the butt-size down), it's kinda fun... yeah some topics are boring sometimes, but honestly... and no one ever really admits to this, most things are only boring when they're a) repetitive, or b) you do not understand them. Think of all the classes you took in college where the topic initially sucked but you enjoyed cuz you loved the professor (i.e. he taught you a lot).
I think the library, or my new idea of bringing earplugs to louder areas, is going to be my new haven from now on... an escape from everyone, including family, friends, and SO... just me, my work, and my grad school peers. I strong believe, especially after this weekend, that distancing yourself and your work from your loved ones keeps their lives and yours more sane. I don't mean a complete divide, but definitely a wall that should not be crossed very often. However, more on that later... I need to get back to studying and this time, not as a punishment, but rather as an opportunity to learn that few get in this world... especially at the level I'm at...
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!!
That cheery subject line does NOT mean I'm clapping my hands, but it's a reminder of happy times such as the time I went apple picking about a week ago. While my SO and I were downing some upstate-favorite Perry's ice cream, a kids band was chanting the words of that ageless song of clapping and stamping your feet to let everyone within hearing range know of your gleeful state.
More than ever, I think I need to start off my day with some affirmations. Kinda like you are what you eat, you are what you think... and believe it or not, you can modulate your thinking in the most simplest of ways... if you let yourself believe in them that is.
The same things don't work for everyone, but by the same token, you can't expect affirmations to work if you scoff at the list of them that you've prepared for yourself. The same way people wake up and stretch to make themselves loose and nimble, I think it'd be good for me to wake up and stare at a list of good-sounding words and sentences to get my feel-good hormones circulating throughout my brain.
Does this have basis in science? Sure it does! Am I going to cite any studies proving it? Hell no! Do I not have anything better to do with time? Jeez! :)
Man, medical school has been one crazy ride!!!... for me, for my family, and for my SO. Part of it is my intrinsically perfectionist attitude towards life and my career, which undoubtedly is like ASKING for shit to go awry... yet the other part is working towards something your whole life and discovering it to be both not what you expected, and even something that turns you off at times.
I look wistfully towards wedding planners, personal trainers, and marine biologists... what if I had THEIR job? I would be so much happier! And have free time! And love what I do!
The grass is alllllways greener on the other side... but an important thing that a lot of us (medical students that is) tend to lose track of is that... this, what we do in the basic science years, and even in the clinical years, is NOT what we will be doing the rest of our lives. Contrary to most others, our lives are wide open... we can CHOOSE (well, mostly... Step 1 scores aside) if we want to spend the rest of our lives dealing with kids, with dead people and their body parts (pathologists), or even living on a cruise (yes, there is a specialty called "cruise medicine!!")...
Thus, whilst we whine and we moan and we slowly have alllll the humanity and kindness and innocence slowlyyyy sucked out of us by Socrates-loving attendings, and self-loving PhD's who cannot lecture for an an hour on a topic without bringing their research and its importance into it (i.e. now I know aalllll about your research on anteater plasmid research, but WHAT is an adenovirus again?).. we go on... because if this is what our entire lives entailed, God knows we'd revolt and let the stupider folk in to do our job...
No, we're smarter than that (hey, we made it to med school, didn't we?) ... we know this is just the means to an end... an end that we will eventually decide to higher degree than most people have the ability to... an end that, baseline, pays more than your average grad-school-grad's job... an end that gives you the option of either being power-hungry bastard who cuts people open and sews 'em back up (disclaimer: not all surgeons are power-hungry bastards - some are money-hungry too) or a kind, caring family doc who overloads his brain and schedule with little relative monetary ROI...
So I will sit here and download my lectures and stress about how I'm going to get them done and find time to study... I will lament spending my 20's on a laptop listening to lectures about Mycobacterium when my friends are living life and traveling to Ethiopia and Greece...
Yet, I refuse from now on to wake up or go to sleep feeling like I'm not happy, or I'm worthless because after 2 and half years of medical school, I feel like my brain collapsed on itself and isn't worth a damn to anyone... no one deserves to feel like that, ESPECIALLY not someone who is working so hard to achieve something she's dreamed of doing all her life, and genuinely wants to spend each day of her professional career bringing a smile onto someone's face.
With all the talk of rights, no one ever mentions happiness... and yet, it is my strong believe that life does not indeed come down to sex and money (and I believed for most of my adult life)... it comes down to happiness, and the pursuit of it. That explains why we're all so different... and how we can live and survive in such different ways and all be human at the same time... happiness means something different to everyone, and the only people who are not happy are those who either are not able to be where they want to be, or those who fail to realize that they are.
If I'm one of the latter, tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up with a smile on my face... and that's one more step towards my goal of putting a smile on someone else's.
Monday, September 1, 2008
What am I doing here?
I've been wanting to vent for the past three days, and I have been doing so in my head constantly. I knew if I took to writing it all down, I would be spending half of this gorgeous weekend in front of a computer when I could be spending it... in front of a computer cramming for my Cardiology midterm...
I'm not complaining about Cardiology (although I can, and I have, and I will continue to do so). I'm not even complaining about the time investment. All I'm wondering is... if I don't really CARE anymore, about my grades, about what I'm studying (with all due respect to my own body, I'm kinda getting sick of looking at picture after picture of something wrong with it)... and the WAY I'm studying it... WHY am I studying it?
Is all this really going to help anyone? Or am I just wasting away my 20's following someone else's idea of how to acquire a doctorate of medicine degree? (To be honest, I don't reallyyyy know what an MD even stands for.)
Everyone says you hit this stage at various points throughout your medical education, and normally I hate being part of the crowd, but in this case, I'm wishing on a wishing star that "they" are right, because I've worked hard and long to get here. I genuinely do enjoy helping people with their medical needs and breaking the mold in many ways by being an empathtic health care provider and person... but I feel like I'm losing everything and gaining nothing.
Nothing breaks the spirit more than to strive your whole life to get somewhere, and then realize the journey was long, hard, and sacrificial, and the end result was actually not what you wanted.
I haven't felt this disheartened about my medical education in a long time. Not only is it sucking away the fun from my life, it's starting to nip at my confidence too.
Of course that could have something to do with the fact that I need a DRASTIC makeover in terms of study habits and techniques (yes, even after two years of this). Apparently I'm a slow learner :oP.
I'm not complaining about Cardiology (although I can, and I have, and I will continue to do so). I'm not even complaining about the time investment. All I'm wondering is... if I don't really CARE anymore, about my grades, about what I'm studying (with all due respect to my own body, I'm kinda getting sick of looking at picture after picture of something wrong with it)... and the WAY I'm studying it... WHY am I studying it?
Is all this really going to help anyone? Or am I just wasting away my 20's following someone else's idea of how to acquire a doctorate of medicine degree? (To be honest, I don't reallyyyy know what an MD even stands for.)
Everyone says you hit this stage at various points throughout your medical education, and normally I hate being part of the crowd, but in this case, I'm wishing on a wishing star that "they" are right, because I've worked hard and long to get here. I genuinely do enjoy helping people with their medical needs and breaking the mold in many ways by being an empathtic health care provider and person... but I feel like I'm losing everything and gaining nothing.
Nothing breaks the spirit more than to strive your whole life to get somewhere, and then realize the journey was long, hard, and sacrificial, and the end result was actually not what you wanted.
I haven't felt this disheartened about my medical education in a long time. Not only is it sucking away the fun from my life, it's starting to nip at my confidence too.
Of course that could have something to do with the fact that I need a DRASTIC makeover in terms of study habits and techniques (yes, even after two years of this). Apparently I'm a slow learner :oP.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Chronicles of Nine-to-Five-Nia: The Gossip, the "I'm busy right now," and the Great Escape
I haven't written in here for a while... mostly because work (i.e. my summer research position) had me down in the dumps so bad that I had myself convinced I wasn't capable nor worthy of writing a blog entry... but also because I had started this "series" of "Nine-to-Five-Nia" (which I thought was damn spiffy... did I just say "spiffy?" Words like that are more telling signs of aging than even wrinkles) and desperately wanted to continue it... except how do you talk about work when you never... um, GO to work?
On the surface it seems like another case of the "medical-student-who-started- his/her -summer -research-project -and- then-gave-up-halfway- due - to- laziness- and-stopped-showing-up"... but in my case, it was absolutely nothing to do with loss of interest or the lack of desire to get up in the morning and learn how to read MRI's... that is shit is COOL man!
No, what I couldn't stand was the environment that doing... no, ATTEMPTING to do this research, put me in. With my PharmD "mentors'" offices on either side of the one shared office that was set aside for research staff (in the sense that we were to squeeze into spaces not taken up by the PharmD's boxes of Christmas decorations and unused dusty coffee makers)... I was privy to all the gossip, name-calling, and endless petty complains about a colleague named "Zoey"... a privilege I would have gladly handed over in exchange for wearing a spiked dog collar around my neck.
All day long, they complained. And complained. And bitched. And bitched some more. Try as I might, I just couldn't drown them out. "Can you BELIEVE what she said to me??" "OHMYGOD That is sooooooo funny!" (In reference to an e-mail forward I've received about 80 times since the 7th grade) "UGH, I have to go see this stupid patient. Why do I have to see patients today?" (Why did you decide to become a clinical pharmacist?)
I tried to drown them out; tried to immerse myself in patient charts and get all caught up in Lipitor doses and whether the patient was put on Plavix post-stroke or pre-stroke. I even took breaks and checked my e-mailed and chatted with my SO for hours on end, doing nothing productive and finding out which cruises I could possibly hop onto mid-semester after my Cardio final. Nothing did the trick and all I could do was not scream from the constant stream of whining and bitching that grated on my nerves like a broken radio trapped inside a hidden wall within your house.
Did I expect to be working in an environment this summer in which people actually did their work and saw patients and acted in a respectable manner? Of course not - I'm not dumb. I know half the work day is nonsense filled up with fluff and no-good. But at least the other half is productive, right? And if you can spend 6 straight hours yapping about your neighbors and your dog and your mortgage payment, you can spare 6 minutes to talk to a student you're supposed to be mentoring, right?
Wrong. And here is where I lost my patience and learned something new about the workplace and the psyche of its human constituents: When it comes to gossip and politics, there is ALWAYS time; It does not matter if a patient has been in the waiting room for over an hour - Petunias and one's latest sob story about their mother-in-law always take precedence.
Furthermore, this applies to medical students working in the midst of PharmD's with egos: When the student approaches the PharmD with a question, the PharmD is immediately concerned with patient care, finding his or her stapler, or responding to an e-mail about Bingo tonight. Ten minutes prior, and up to three hours post-attempted question, the PharmD has all the time in the world to return to more pressing concerns: continuing the day's gossip and spreading the love of hate.
After weeks and weeks of trying to approach my mentors in a way least obtrusive to their gossip schedule (AKA their patient and meetings schedule), including short, to-the-point e-mails (something I as a person find very hard to do), listening closely to wait until they took a water break from their conversation (to alleviate their dry mouths after a lengthy Zoey-trash-talk session), and even scheduling quick meetings to avoid random "pop-ins," I gave up. There's a point you reach where you can no longer attribute completely ignored meeting times (even after several subtle and eventually not-so-subtle reminders), completely ignored e-mails (that require less than a 7-word response), and utterly useless, grunted replies to questions asked during a lull in the day, to just being busy.
I'm not a 5-year old looking up to a 50-year old for advice on painting the fridge green!! I am a medical student working on a project on which my mentors' names come before my own, and thus I deserve at least some sort of guidance as to what the hell I'm doing and some real answers to some very legitimate questions! The excuse of "I'm busy," whether explicitly stated in words or actions, just doesn't apply when you're obviously NOT busy!
Addendum: [It took me a while to be able to declare the above - I thought for almost 4 weeks that I was doing everything wrong and it was entirely my fault that they didn't seem to like me. I still think that it takes two to tango and thus, if I had approached it differently, maybe things would have worked out better, but I can no longer say it is 100% my fault. My mentors truly dislike me for some reason (perhaps being a med student has something to do with it?) and have made it obvious through their obvious disregard of my presence on a day-to-day basis. The only positive thing to come out of this experience is that I feel much more prepared for my 3rd rotations and dealing with physicians who will inevitably dislike me at some point, or at least appear to. The lesson learned: 'Tis better to ask for forgiveness than permission." Just do instead of asking, and people will appreciate your initiative more than they will your desire to do everything the right way.]
And thus I decided I needed to simply escape. It began with escaping to two-hour lunches versus one, and going home to practice some bellydance moves and chatting it up with my mom on my couch before returning to work. Eventually, I added on arriving a half-hour past the hour - just to see if anyone would notice. With no response, I decided to take longer with my make-up, make a Starbucks-stroll before work, and carry my grande-caramel-lightice-soy-iced-coffee in with me along with some hummus and crackers in at 11am (still taking my two-hour lunch from 1pm - 3pm). It saved me from the morning warm-up gossip session that I hated the most, but it still wasn't enough. By the time I came back from lunch, I just wanted to leave again. My productivity, which had been low to begin with, dropped even further, with me doodling and running to the bathroom every five seconds just to stretch my legs and get out of that zone of mind-numbing chatter.
It was when it got to the point where I enjoyed being in the "Summer Garden" scented pink bathroom more than I did in my nook within the office, that I finally decided I had HAD it. Yes I'm being paid upwards of six grand for this summer gig (not by the PharmD's, thank heavens, no, but rather by an independent university program that promotes research within the mental health field) plus an all-expenses-paid trip to San Diego for a weekend. Yet, making myself miserable, even for a few hours a day, during my last-ever summer vacation, is not worth any sum of money to me. After two weeks of a true nine-to-five, and then about two weeks of my modified nine-to-five, I decided to quit. I stopped going in completely, using the excuse that I would come in after-hours when no one was there and do my work in peace - which I did... a few times... for about an hour at a time. Strangely enough, I got more done in that one hour than I often used to get done in a week. I found flaws in the study design that I have no incentive to fix, and decided that the minute I present in San Diego, I am finished, once and for all, with this study.
Now, looking back, this summer was all about beach-house parties in Canada, sleepovers with friends and old Indian movies, weekdays of bike-riding, sitting outside eating sloppy Joe's and watching thunderstorms, cooking random meals, trying Hibachi, weekend trips home for the 4th of July, partying (and nearly dying) in Vegas for four days, road trips to and from a wedding in CT, a day in Ithaca eating crepes at a Farmer's Market, and dedicating a few hours each morning to working out my mind and body.
I still have to present this research in about a week from now (and with about 10% of my data collected and no clue how to analyze it, let's just say I'm somewhat in a bind with that)... but my goal is still to just get SOMETHING done so I can keep my six grand and keep my sanity until school starts up again. And considering my 200-crunches a day now and lengthy stretching routine, maybe I'll have some tighter abs to show for it.
As for what I have prepared as an answer to the remote possibility of someone at work asking me where I've been or what I've been doing the past few weeks... all I plan on telling them is that "I've been busy."
On the surface it seems like another case of the "medical-student-who-started- his/her -summer -research-project -and- then-gave-up-halfway- due - to- laziness- and-stopped-showing-up"... but in my case, it was absolutely nothing to do with loss of interest or the lack of desire to get up in the morning and learn how to read MRI's... that is shit is COOL man!
No, what I couldn't stand was the environment that doing... no, ATTEMPTING to do this research, put me in. With my PharmD "mentors'" offices on either side of the one shared office that was set aside for research staff (in the sense that we were to squeeze into spaces not taken up by the PharmD's boxes of Christmas decorations and unused dusty coffee makers)... I was privy to all the gossip, name-calling, and endless petty complains about a colleague named "Zoey"... a privilege I would have gladly handed over in exchange for wearing a spiked dog collar around my neck.
All day long, they complained. And complained. And bitched. And bitched some more. Try as I might, I just couldn't drown them out. "Can you BELIEVE what she said to me??" "OHMYGOD
I tried to drown them out; tried to immerse myself in patient charts and get all caught up in Lipitor doses and whether the patient was put on Plavix post-stroke or pre-stroke. I even took breaks and checked my e-mailed and chatted with my SO for hours on end, doing nothing productive and finding out which cruises I could possibly hop onto mid-semester after my Cardio final. Nothing did the trick and all I could do was not scream from the constant stream of whining and bitching that grated on my nerves like a broken radio trapped inside a hidden wall within your house.
Did I expect to be working in an environment this summer in which people actually did their work and saw patients and acted in a respectable manner? Of course not - I'm not dumb. I know half the work day is nonsense filled up with fluff and no-good. But at least the other half is productive, right? And if you can spend 6 straight hours yapping about your neighbors and your dog and your mortgage payment, you can spare 6 minutes to talk to a student you're supposed to be mentoring, right?
Wrong. And here is where I lost my patience and learned something new about the workplace and the psyche of its human constituents: When it comes to gossip and politics, there is ALWAYS time; It does not matter if a patient has been in the waiting room for over an hour - Petunias and one's
Furthermore, this applies to medical students working in the midst of PharmD's with egos: When the student approaches the PharmD with a question, the PharmD is immediately concerned with patient care, finding his or her stapler, or responding to an e-mail about Bingo tonight. Ten minutes prior, and up to three hours post-attempted question, the PharmD has all the time in the world to return to more pressing concerns: continuing the day's gossip and spreading the love of hate.
After weeks and weeks of trying to approach my mentors in a way least obtrusive to their gossip schedule (AKA their patient and meetings schedule), including short, to-the-point e-mails (something I as a person find very hard to do), listening closely to wait until they took a water break from their conversation (to alleviate their dry mouths after a lengthy Zoey-trash-talk session), and even scheduling quick meetings to avoid random "pop-ins," I gave up. There's a point you reach where you can no longer attribute completely ignored meeting times (even after several subtle and eventually not-so-subtle reminders), completely ignored e-mails (that require less than a 7-word response), and utterly useless, grunted replies to questions asked during a lull in the day, to just being busy.
I'm not a 5-year old looking up to a 50-year old for advice on painting the fridge green!! I am a medical student working on a project on which my mentors' names come before my own, and thus I deserve at least some sort of guidance as to what the hell I'm doing and some real answers to some very legitimate questions! The excuse of "I'm busy," whether explicitly stated in words or actions, just doesn't apply when you're obviously NOT busy!
Addendum: [It took me a while to be able to declare the above - I thought for almost 4 weeks that I was doing everything wrong and it was entirely my fault that they didn't seem to like me. I still think that it takes two to tango and thus, if I had approached it differently, maybe things would have worked out better, but I can no longer say it is 100% my fault. My mentors truly dislike me for some reason (perhaps being a med student has something to do with it?) and have made it obvious through their obvious disregard of my presence on a day-to-day basis. The only positive thing to come out of this experience is that I feel much more prepared for my 3rd rotations and dealing with physicians who will inevitably dislike me at some point, or at least appear to. The lesson learned: 'Tis better to ask for forgiveness than permission." Just do instead of asking, and people will appreciate your initiative more than they will your desire to do everything the right way.]
And thus I decided I needed to simply escape. It began with escaping to two-hour lunches versus one, and going home to practice some bellydance moves and chatting it up with my mom on my couch before returning to work. Eventually, I added on arriving a half-hour past the hour - just to see if anyone would notice. With no response, I decided to take longer with my make-up, make a Starbucks-stroll before work, and carry my grande-caramel-lightice-soy-iced-coffee in with me along with some hummus and crackers in at 11am (still taking my two-hour lunch from 1pm - 3pm). It saved me from the morning warm-up gossip session that I hated the most, but it still wasn't enough. By the time I came back from lunch, I just wanted to leave again. My productivity, which had been low to begin with, dropped even further, with me doodling and running to the bathroom every five seconds just to stretch my legs and get out of that zone of mind-numbing chatter.
It was when it got to the point where I enjoyed being in the "Summer Garden" scented pink bathroom more than I did in my nook within the office, that I finally decided I had HAD it. Yes I'm being paid upwards of six grand for this summer gig (not by the PharmD's, thank heavens, no, but rather by an independent university program that promotes research within the mental health field) plus an all-expenses-paid trip to San Diego for a weekend. Yet, making myself miserable, even for a few hours a day, during my last-ever summer vacation, is not worth any sum of money to me. After two weeks of a true nine-to-five, and then about two weeks of my modified nine-to-five, I decided to quit. I stopped going in completely, using the excuse that I would come in after-hours when no one was there and do my work in peace - which I did... a few times... for about an hour at a time. Strangely enough, I got more done in that one hour than I often used to get done in a week. I found flaws in the study design that I have no incentive to fix, and decided that the minute I present in San Diego, I am finished, once and for all, with this study.
Now, looking back, this summer was all about beach-house parties in Canada, sleepovers with friends and old Indian movies, weekdays of bike-riding, sitting outside eating sloppy Joe's and watching thunderstorms, cooking random meals, trying Hibachi, weekend trips home for the 4th of July, partying (and nearly dying) in Vegas for four days, road trips to and from a wedding in CT, a day in Ithaca eating crepes at a Farmer's Market, and dedicating a few hours each morning to working out my mind and body.
I still have to present this research in about a week from now (and with about 10% of my data collected and no clue how to analyze it, let's just say I'm somewhat in a bind with that)... but my goal is still to just get SOMETHING done so I can keep my six grand and keep my sanity until school starts up again. And considering my 200-crunches a day now and lengthy stretching routine, maybe I'll have some tighter abs to show for it.
As for what I have prepared as an answer to the remote possibility of someone at work asking me where I've been or what I've been doing the past few weeks... all I plan on telling them is that "I've been busy."
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